The next time your daughter brings home a new boyfriend, be sure to ask his middle name

I get a lot of interesting letters in the mail. (To those of you who send me things, I apologize that I so rarely respond. If you want to hear from me, your odds are better — but still not great — on email.)

I got a package recently, however, that really stood out. It came from a Texas woman named M.R. Stewart, who is a proud mother, as well as being grandmother to four pit bulls.

Ms. Stewart has an unusual hobby: clipping newspaper articles of a particular ilk. She sent me copies of her most recent finds. All of these clippings were from her local newspaper, from February 2006 to the present. The articles had two things in common: (1) all of them were stories reporting on crimes, and (2) the perpetrator’s middle name was “Wayne.”

I have to say I was stunned by the number of examples she sent me; in order to protect the potentially innocent, I will obscure their last names:

Eric Wayne XXXXXX — sex charges
Nathan Wayne XXXXXX — kidnapping and beating, homicide
Ronald Wayne XXXXXX — triple homicide
David Wayne XXXXXX — 10 years for practicing nursing without a license
Larry Wayne XXXXXX — homicide
Paul Wayne XXXXXX — Theft
Michael Wayne XXXXXX — theft
Jeremy Wayne XXXXXX — homicide
Garry Wayne XXXXXX — knowingly having unprotected sex when HIV positive
Bruce Wayne XXXXXX — homicide
Joshua Wayne XXXXXX — assault of officer
Billy Wayne XXXXXX — homicide
Billy Wayne XXXXXX — assault
Billy Wayne XXXXXX — attempted murder and robbery
Kenneth Wayne XXXXXX — sex assault
Jerry Wayne XXXXXX — attempted homicide
Tony Wayne XXXXXX — aggravated assault of grandmother in front of her grandchildren, robbery
Larry Wayne XXXXXX — home invasion
Richard Wayne XXXXXX — police standoff
Charles Wayne XXXXXX — homicide

Maybe you could assemble a list this impressive for some other middle name, but I doubt it. Of course, these folks are following the path set for them by the notorious Chicago serial killer John Wayne Gacy, Jr.

(She also collects clippings with middle names that rhyme with Wayne…she sent me 4 DeWaynes, 4 Duanes, and 2 Dwaynes.)

After going through the package, I pulled my two oldest daughters aside (they are six) and told them they were not allowed to ever have a boyfriend with the middle name “Wayne.” Olivia, who is obsessed with a boy named Thomas in her class, is going to check on his middle name tomorrow.

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  1. kr8tr says:

    Funny. I had a bright young guy working for me who went my “wayne” (his middle name) because he was tired of the “This is my brother Derryl, and this is my other brother Derryl” jokes. Perhaps he’ll like Dwayne better now.

    Interesting stuff – dig deeper :)

    Rob

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  2. kr8tr says:

    Funny. I had a bright young guy working for me who went my “wayne” (his middle name) because he was tired of the “This is my brother Derryl, and this is my other brother Derryl” jokes. Perhaps he’ll like Dwayne better now.

    Interesting stuff – dig deeper :)

    Rob

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  3. jake says:

    Wait… did you seriously just write down the name of the kid your daughter has a crush on?

    You are in so much trouble.

    - Jake

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  4. jake says:

    Wait… did you seriously just write down the name of the kid your daughter has a crush on?

    You are in so much trouble.

    - Jake

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  5. 3612 says:

    Steer the daughters clear of Fort Wayne Indiana (a middle name on maps) which has only lonely skyscapers and John Chapman’s (aka Johnny Appleseed) burial place to recomend it.

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  6. 3612 says:

    Steer the daughters clear of Fort Wayne Indiana (a middle name on maps) which has only lonely skyscapers and John Chapman’s (aka Johnny Appleseed) burial place to recomend it.

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  7. ambrose says:

    You missed another famous one — John Wayne Bobbitt. His wife is more famous but he’s no saint.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorena_Bobbitt

    I theorise that any boy called “John Wayne” by his father has grown up with some rather old-fashioned notions of what masculinity means, and perhaps some rather onerous expectations placed on him.

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  8. ambrose says:

    You missed another famous one — John Wayne Bobbitt. His wife is more famous but he’s no saint.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorena_Bobbitt

    I theorise that any boy called “John Wayne” by his father has grown up with some rather old-fashioned notions of what masculinity means, and perhaps some rather onerous expectations placed on him.

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