The next time your daughter brings home a new boyfriend, be sure to ask his middle name

I get a lot of interesting letters in the mail. (To those of you who send me things, I apologize that I so rarely respond. If you want to hear from me, your odds are better — but still not great — on email.)

I got a package recently, however, that really stood out. It came from Ms. M.R. Stewart, who is a proud mother, as well as being grandmother to four pit bulls.

Ms. Stewart has an unusual hobby: clipping newspaper articles of a particular ilk. She sent me xeroxs of her most recent finds. All of these clippings were from The Dallas News, from February 2006 to the present. The articles had two things in common: (1) all of them were stories reporting on crimes, and (2) the perpetrator’s middle name was “Wayne.”

I have to say I was stunned by the number of examples she sent me:

Eric Wayne Kelley — sex charges
Nathan Wayne Green — kidnapping and beating, homicide
Ronald Wayne Spencer, Jr. — triple homicide
David Wayne Rhodes — 10 years for practicing nursing without a license
Larry Wayne King — homicide
Paul Wayne Mitchell — Theft
Michael Wayne Hills — theft
Jeremy Wayne Hopkins — homicide
Garry Wayne Carriker — knowingly having unprotected sex when HIV positive
Bruce Wayne Potts — homicide
Joshua Wayne Jones — assault of officer
Billy Wayne Sinclair — homicide
Billy Wayne Boyer — assault
Billy Wayne Miller — attempted murder and robbery
Kenneth Wayne Downs — sex assault
Jerry Wayne Lucas — attempted homicide
Tony Wayne Swinnie — aggravated assault of grandmother in front of her grandchildren, robbery
Larry Wayne Dacy — home invasion
Richard Wayne Miles — police standoff
Charles Wayne Thomas — homicide

Maybe you could assemble a list this impressive for some other middle name, but I doubt it. Of course, these folks are following the path set for them by the notorious Chicago serial killer John Wayne Gacy, Jr.

(She also collects clippings with middle names that rhyme with Wayne…she sent me 4 DeWaynes, 4 Duanes, and 2 Dwaynes.)

After going through the package, I pulled my two oldest daughters aside (they are six) and told them they were not allowed to ever have a boyfriend with the middle name “Wayne.” Olivia, who is obsessed with a boy named Thomas in her class, is going to check on his middle name tomorrow.

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  1. kr8tr says:

    Funny. I had a bright young guy working for me who went my “wayne” (his middle name) because he was tired of the “This is my brother Derryl, and this is my other brother Derryl” jokes. Perhaps he’ll like Dwayne better now.

    Interesting stuff – dig deeper :)

    Rob

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  2. kr8tr says:

    Funny. I had a bright young guy working for me who went my “wayne” (his middle name) because he was tired of the “This is my brother Derryl, and this is my other brother Derryl” jokes. Perhaps he’ll like Dwayne better now.

    Interesting stuff – dig deeper :)

    Rob

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  3. jake says:

    Wait… did you seriously just write down the name of the kid your daughter has a crush on?

    You are in so much trouble.

    - Jake

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  4. jake says:

    Wait… did you seriously just write down the name of the kid your daughter has a crush on?

    You are in so much trouble.

    - Jake

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  5. 3612 says:

    Steer the daughters clear of Fort Wayne Indiana (a middle name on maps) which has only lonely skyscapers and John Chapman’s (aka Johnny Appleseed) burial place to recomend it.

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  6. 3612 says:

    Steer the daughters clear of Fort Wayne Indiana (a middle name on maps) which has only lonely skyscapers and John Chapman’s (aka Johnny Appleseed) burial place to recomend it.

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  7. ambrose says:

    You missed another famous one — John Wayne Bobbitt. His wife is more famous but he’s no saint.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorena_Bobbitt

    I theorise that any boy called “John Wayne” by his father has grown up with some rather old-fashioned notions of what masculinity means, and perhaps some rather onerous expectations placed on him.

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  8. ambrose says:

    You missed another famous one — John Wayne Bobbitt. His wife is more famous but he’s no saint.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorena_Bobbitt

    I theorise that any boy called “John Wayne” by his father has grown up with some rather old-fashioned notions of what masculinity means, and perhaps some rather onerous expectations placed on him.

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