Wall Street Jokes, Please

Wall Street has always been a legendary joke generator — with a specialty in gallows humor.

So I ask our readers: in this very unfunny time, what are the Wall Street jokes of the moment?

To prime the pump, I offer up something a wise gentleman told me the other night, prescribed to make all Americans feel a bit better:

Yes, it’s true that the Chinese have been selling us toxic toothpaste, toxic pet food, toys with toxic lead paint — but all the while we were selling them toxic investments.

INSERT DESCRIPTIONImage taken from Jaap Steinvoorte and deovolenti.

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  1. Laffe R. Curve says:

    Something I heard from either Letterman or Leno: I went to buy a toaster, and it came with a bank.

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  2. Roger, FCD says:

    What’s the difference between a investor and a pigeon?

    The pigeon can still make a deposit on a house.

    Heard something similar back in the 80s. I love that joke.

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  3. RobertSeattle says:

    What’s a Liberal?
    A Conservative Mugged by Wall Street.

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  4. James says:

    Q: What’s the difference between a guy who just lost everything in Vegas and an investment banker?

    A: A tie.

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  5. Nick says:

    Not a joke per se, but this is the funniest thing about Wall Street I’ve seen in quite some time. A friend forwarded it to me after getting it e-mailed to him, so I imagine it must be making the rounds. Who is going to help this poor “Minister of Treasury”?:

    Your Urgent Help Needed
    Dear American:

    I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a
    transfer of funds of great magnitude.
    I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had
    crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion
    dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most
    profitable to you.
    I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my
    replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may
    know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the
    1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.
    This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds
    as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.
    Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account
    numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for
    this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with
    detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the
    Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

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  6. DJH says:

    Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two … one to change the bulb, the other to sell off the old one at the highest price possible before CNBC reports that it’s burned out.

    Q: How many commdities traders does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None, they don’t change bulbs; but the trading price of darkness plummets due to oversupply.

    Q: How many real-estate agents does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Just one … but after changing the bulb, s/he raises the asking-price of the house due to “recent renovations.”

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  7. Will S. says:

    I know that I have seen this one on the Internet, but I first heard it when I worked on the floor of the Chicago Board Options Exchange:

    A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced his altitude and saw a man below. “Excuse me, but can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am,” he said.

    The man below replied: “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 ft above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 56 and 57 degrees West longitude.”

    To which the balloonist replied “You must be a broker.”

    To which the man on the ground said: “I am, but how did you know?”

    The reply came from above: “Everything you told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

    The man below responded: “You must be a trader.”

    To which the balloonist replied: “Yes, I am, but how did you know?”

    To which the man on the ground said: “You don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to your current position due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

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  8. David Wynn says:

    I like the WaPo (I think) editorial cartoon that had the fireman carrying a banker out of the bruning building when the banker says “Wait, we have to go back for my ‘government isn’t the solution, it’s the problem’ inspirational wall hanging.”

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