“Homicide Victims Rarely Talk to Police,” and Other Horrible Headlines

From a friend, who got them from a friend, who got them from someone else, here’s a collection of newspaper headlines that don’t quite accomplish what the writer set out to accomplish. Anyone who has ever written or published anything can surely sympathize — and laugh. (P.S.: Are any of them real?)

 

 

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COMMENTS: 53


  1. La_Boheme says:

    And people think The Onion is the fake news.

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    • BingoT says:

      What are you talking about? I Google searched if The Onion is fake, and a search result said it was “totally legit”… Check your facts!

      :)

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  2. Demian Farnworth says:

    Unbelievable. And funny.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 18 Thumb down 7
  3. phil says:

    “Diana alive hours before death” is taken from a satirical UK newspaper called Private Eye.

    “exclusive to all newspapers” is also a joke, but then you would have to understand english to get it, I suppose.

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    • Bob says:

      Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

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      • Bob v. Phil says:

        I think his point was, anybody who can read English should have known that this one wasn’t real.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 3
  4. Lore Sjöberg says:

    Heh, I created one of these images as a joke. I’m tickled that my Photoshop skills were enough to get it sent around as a real headline.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 33 Thumb down 12
  5. RogerP says:

    The British satirical magazine, Private Eye, has published at least one book of these.

    My favourite is “Man Found Dead in Graveyard”

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  6. Amberjack says:

    Several of these are spoofs. But thanks for playing.

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  7. Fiona in London says:

    Love your books, but: The first headline is a fake, from the British satirical magazine Private Eye (www.private-eye.co.uk).

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  8. Bob says:

    In other news, I was still awake hours before going to sleep, and I was still asleep hours before waking up.

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  9. slimpy says:

    FW: FW: RE: FW: RE: RE: SOOOO FUNNNYYY

    Did you guys just get the internet today?

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 29 Thumb down 1
  10. Andy Bechtel says:

    The “morgue” headline from The News & Observer isn’t real. Here’s more: http://wp.me/plJ6z-1bV

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  11. EP says:

    Don’t you mean “All from Jay Leno because you can tell from the highlighters that he used them on Headlines”?

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  12. Paul S Vigil says:

    HILARIOUS!! I was roaring with laughter!

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  13. Eric M. Jones. says:

    Dube….

    1) These are mostly spoofs. Verifying them is tough these days.
    2) Having worked in the news-biz (UPI), I can tell you that the news editors are GREAT at language and they know damned well if they are putting a little humor into print…which they often do. Your humor is based on the notion that they goofed. I’ll put my money elsewhere.

    Hey…When the ES neon went dark on the ESSEX house–it was paid for.

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  14. Kari says:

    Did you see the “Santorum Blasts Obama in Cumming Rally” headline during the primaries last year?

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  15. KK says:

    “Hospitals resort to hiring doctors” actually is a real headline. This may seem strange to the lay public but almost all doctors in the hospital are NOT employees of that hospital. They are self employed and have privileges to practice at that hospital. Hospitals will direct employ doctors particularly when there is a shortage of a speciality that’s needed.

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  16. Patrick says:

    good laugh

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  17. Caleb B says:

    At the university of Arkansas, the head coach Houston Nutt decided to play freshman QB Casey Dick instead of junior Robert Johnson in the game against South Carolina. The school paper’s headline was:

    “Nutt going with Dick over Johnson against ‘cocks”

    Granted, it was a school paper and very much intentional, but funny nonetheless.

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  18. R says:

    Where is “Roasted Nuts”? The headline that ran after the Trenton Psychiatric fire is the worst headline, period.

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  19. Aiden Gosiak says:

    Enjoyed reading headlines, hope to see more hilarious headlines in the future

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  20. Dolores says:

    Can’t you people just enjoy this for the light-hearted article it is meant to be? What does it matter if the headlines are real? I got a good chuckle. Lighten up people!

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    • Ted says:

      Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

      Disliked! Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 7
      • eduo says:

        What a fulfilling goal in life that must be: Getting joy from correcting people over the internet.

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  21. Phil M says:

    Years ago, a New York Post front page headline was “Headless Torso found in Topless Bar”

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  22. Michelle Ma says:

    Men are turned off by size of Obama’s Package? That’s possibly not a typing error. The subconscious lurks. In “the cultural history of the penis” the author discusses that in the bathhouses frequented by men the guy with the largest package had a hard time and dealt with poisonous envy. obviously ‘men turned on by obama’s package’ would make more sense and be funnier but anyway, good no both ends

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  23. Mike says:

    I can vouch for the ” homicide victims rarely talk to police”. That is the newspaper that gets delivered to my house every morning.

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  24. ZenKimchi says:

    Here’s my favorite headline. A tightrope walker was going across the Han River in Seoul.

    “Skywalkers in Korea Cross Han Solo”

    http://engage.tmgcustommedia.com/2010/07/headline-of-the-class/

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  25. paul b says:

    How about the very brief article from the Daily News (NY) from many years ago: Headless torso with multiple stab wounds found in a heavily weeded area in Brooklyn. Police suspect foul play..

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  26. John Pilge says:

    “Starvation Can Lead to Health Hazards.” So true. I remember in the 1970′s a story of a man in Brazil who died of Starvation while waiting in line to cash his paycheck. That caused a few mis-read headlines. (I understand he lost his place in line as well.)

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  27. Horacio Scheimberg says:

    I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time!

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  28. Dave says:

    I don’t know about the headline itself, but the story about nudists and Wreck Beach is real, from up here in Vancouver, BC.

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  29. Sluggh says:

    “Meeting on public meetings is closed”

    …is precisely what the headline writer meant to say and doesn’t belong in this compilation.

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  30. DensityDuck says:

    Still hoping for a re-release of a Tina The Troubled Teen T-Shirt!

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  31. Brad Hessel says:

    Pretty sure the News & Observer headline is fake. Been living in Raleigh since 1991 and there has not been a morgue shooting spree here in that time span. We don’t reliably get 20 murders a YEAR so 17 in one incident would mos def be big news (and memorable). Also I checked their archives and there is no record of any such story back to 1990.

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  32. Dr. Larry Shaw says:

    DUH!

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  33. Carter says:

    Hilarious- like the feature on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno called HEADLINES (the only thing I tune in for).

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  34. Alex says:

    Hey i love this page. fucnny as he**.
    more?

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  35. peter ojo says:

    this is good info thanks

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  36. kishore.g says:

    Some are so ridiculous,you would think they were printed on purpose. Awesome,truly made me laugh.

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  37. Johann says:

    “17 REMAIN DEAD IN MORGUE SHOOTING SPREE” is a fake. I have read this particular paper for fifty years and it has never had this headline; has used this size type only a half-dozen times – assassination of President Kennedy; Apollo Moon landings; and Nixon’s resignation.

    As for a morgue shooting in our area, we have not had one – or a morgue for that matter. Our hospitals’ coolers are used for this purpose temporarily, until the State Medical Examiner’s Office removes bodies to its location in another city.

    Many of these may well be real. We have all seen such in the flesh of our fingers, so to speak.

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  38. RitaAnn~ says:

    I found myself giggling, alone, and outloud.

    These are so funny.

    Thanks for sharing,

    RitaAnn~
    Evansville, IN City Wide Leukemia Awareness Party!
    http://evansvilleincitywideparty.wordpress.com

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