Alibis for Sale

Who doesn’t need a good alibi every now and then? It helps, of course, if the alibi is legit. But if that’s too much to ask for, then AlibiNetwork.com is there to help you: “Alibi Network is a cutting edge full service agency providing alibis and excused absences as well as assistance with a variety of sensitive issues. … We all encounter sensitive situations in our life. These may include family problems, social issues, work or financial difficulties. When you don’t want to involve your close friends and relatives for privacy reasons it is time to contact Alibi Network. Let us be your Privacy Partners.”

For a small fee, the Alibi Network will help cover your trail with phony phone calls, fake travel documents, etc. I learned of this service in one of my favorite magazines, Don Diva, a chronicle of thug living that is billed as “The Original Street Bible.” (Since the magazine’s website is pretty racy, I’d rather provide a link to this Washington Post review.) Here’s what Don Diva had to say about the Alibi Network: “It’s inexpensive so why not give it a try. Stop depending on your home boy to help you with your alibi, he’s a horrible liar and he’s probably smashing your girl anyway and telling her all she needs to know anyway.”

I always learn a lot by reading Don Diva. In this month’s issue alone, I also learned that you can wallpaper your house with real sheets of U.S. money (“Ladies, this is a great gift for the Don that has everything”), and I also learned why Javier “Panama” Card, a big-time crack-dealing gangster, moved to the U.S. from Panama in his teens: “I started robbing tourists [in Panama] at a young age. The police would murder you for this. This was one of the reasons I came to America. I didn’t want to get killed like a dog in the streets with a wallet in my hand. In America, I knew I could get rich like my homies that took the trip before me.”

Ah, America: land of opportunity.