Wall Street Jokes, Please

Wall Street has always been a legendary joke generator — with a specialty in gallows humor.

So I ask our readers: in this very unfunny time, what are the Wall Street jokes of the moment?

To prime the pump, I offer up something a wise gentleman told me the other night, prescribed to make all Americans feel a bit better:

Yes, it’s true that the Chinese have been selling us toxic toothpaste, toxic pet food, toys with toxic lead paint — but all the while we were selling them toxic investments.

INSERT DESCRIPTIONImage taken from Jaap Steinvoorte and deovolenti.

David Snieckus

This is the latest in the global meltdown: It's actually hit Japan now.
In the last few days:
? The famous Origami Bank has folded!
? The Sumo Bank has gone belly up!
? The Bonsai Bank plans to cut some of its branches!
? Just yesterday, the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and likely to go for a song.
? Even shares in the Kamikaze Bank have been suspended after they nose dived and
? 500 staff at the Karate Bank have got the chop.
? Finally, many analysts report there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank and it is feared that customers may get a raw deal.

Bob "A"

re: #'s 2 and 35

heard that in Calgary years ago, except that it was an oil tycoon.

also saw a bumper sticker:

Dear Lord, please give us another oil boom, I promise not to piss it away this time


umm. The 80's joke is supposed to be like this:

Q:What's the difference between a pigeon and a wall street investment banker ?

A: only the pigeon can still make a deposit on a brand new porsche.

M Todd

I am going to take the 700 billion and buy all the assets in question at a bargain and then resell them to the same people for a profit... thanks tax payers this really is a free market.


Lehmann have changed their recommendation on Lehmann from hold to sell.


A man walks into a bank, walks up to the mortgage manager and says, "I want a loan to buy a house. I am not sure what the house is worth, I have no down payment and I just lost my job."

The manager replies, "Sign right here."

Oh wait, these were supposed to be jokes...

Sriram Natarajan

Henry Paulson was out jogging without his guards.
All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind
some bushes with a gun.
The masked man said "Give me all your money!"
Unwilling to do so, Paulson said, "You can't do this, I'm > the treasury secretary!"
The man then replied,... "Oh, never mind then.
Give me MY money!"


This joke was from the time I was actively involved in trading.

A successful investor was asked "what is the secret of your success?"

He answered, "I just do the opposite of what my broker tells me to do."


#7 and #8 are by far the best.


I went to cash my check at the bank and the bank bounced.


The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

There are 30 billion prime numbers below 700 billion. The rest are all subprime.

Tim Kelly

As overheard being told on the radio by Warren Buffett:

They are cancelling the Christmas Pageant on Wall Street this year.

They are apparently not three wise men left among the lot, let alone a virgin.

John Squire

A man was walking on the dock of the Wall St. marina admiring the big, expensive boats that filled the slips. He approached a marina employee and asked, "Hey, who would buy such wonderful expensive vessels and let them sit idle like this?" The ee replied "Oh, all the Wall St. guys have boats like these - a couple million each to buy, and then tens of thousands to keep them up. Wonderful guys, wonderful customers. But, they work so hard making money for their clients that owners never have time to use them." The visitor thinks for a second and asks, "So where are the clients' boats?" The ee condescends, "Clients can't afford boats."


CDS spreads are now wider than Paris Hilton's legs!


Which of these is not like the others:

A) Syphilis
B) Herpes
D) A Condo in Miami

Answer: A. You can get rid of syphilis.


"What is a SuperSenior Credit Default Swap?"
"Having a credit default swap on your balance sheet is like having an egg in your pantry to fall back on when you might miss supper. Just think of a very senior - say 70 year old - egg."

"Why couldn't the Bear protect his stern?"
"He was trying to shake the s*** off his paws."

Or one which may be from Switzerland: "AIG - American Innocence and Greed".

"Goldman's sacks? He is delivering them at Warren's place"

"You mean Hardy borrowed that line from Morgan? 'Another fine mess you've got me into, Stanley?'"


Heard on the trading floor regarding the $25.00 most bankers have for dinner:

"I'll take three shares of Lehman - and I expect my change!"


Two investment bankers take a much-needed break and go duck hunting. After three hours and no luck, one banker turns to the other and asks, "Do you think we need to throw the dog higher?"

At a banker meeting meeting, one old gentleman makes the outrageous claim that "The market has stablized." When pressed to explain his views, goes on. "Forty years ago when I got into this business, I sold fifty shares of my company stock and had enough money to purchase a brand-new 1967 Ford pickup. Last week, I checked it out, and if I sold another fifty shares, I'd have enough money to buy a 1967 Ford pickup. So, the market has stablized."


What's the difference between a large bag of manure on your lawn and a wall street worker? One's a lying sack of shcrap and the other is fertilizer.

steve h

Only Insiders laugh at this stuff